


Sink or Swim

by evelett



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Depression, Love, M/M, Pain, Rape/Non-con References
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-05-06
Updated: 2012-05-06
Packaged: 2017-11-04 22:45:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/399021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evelett/pseuds/evelett
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been three years. Three years since that day. Three years since he sped across town on his bike after what Mr. Novak did to him. Three years since he stopped talking to his best friend. Three years since he became the loner bad boy. Three years of reliving that day every night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sink or Swim

**Author's Note:**

> If you want me to post more please leave a comment, if not thank you for reading!

_“Castiel!” the blue eyed boy’s mother calls from the porch overlooking the backyard. Dean and Castiel momentarily stop shooting each other with water guns in the pool, “Get your butt in the house and clean your room now!”_

_“But Mom,” the scrawny teenager whines._

_“Don’t you but Mom me. Dean can play by himself for a little bit while you clean your room,” her stern voice commands._

_Castiel rolls his bright blue eyes in exasperation as he quickly climbs out of the in ground pool, “Sorry, I’ll be right back.”_

_Dean shrugs as he follows Castiel out of the pool and lies down on a lawn chair, “It’s cool.”_

_The summer sun is warm as it shines down on him, its heat evaporating the water droplets on his skin. Summer was hands down Dean’s favorite time of the year. No school and he got to hang out with his best friend, Cas, everyday._

_“Hello Dean,” Castiel’s father greets as he sits down on the lawn chair next to Dean._

_“Hi Mr. Novak,” Dean sits up. The odd feeling he always gets in his stomach when he’s around the older man blooms._

_“You excited to start high school in September?” Mr. Novak smiles. Dean never really liked Mr. Novak’s smiles, they never quite seemed to reach his eyes._

_“I guess,” Dean shrugs his freckled shoulders trying to seem blasé about the whole ordeal. If he was being honest the thought kinda freaked him out but he would die before admitting that to anyone._

_The older man leans closer into his personal space, “Having a good summer?”_

_“Yeah,” Dean bites his bottom lip feeling nervous about being alone with Cas’ dad._

_“Can I kiss you?” something indiscernible glitters in the man’s eyes as he scoots even closer._

_“Wha-what?” Dean sputters in shock. There is no way he heard correctly._

_Mr. Novak runs a hand over Dean’s torso. Dean falls off of the lawn chair and onto the paved walkway in surprise. Then the older man is on him running his hands over the teenager’s scrawny body whispering to himself, “It’s been so long.”_

_Dean’s heart thuds loudly in his chest and his breath becomes ragged as he lays frozen in shock, his mind slowly trying to muddle through what is happening. He feels like he’s being submerged into frozen water as Mr. Novak’s hand slips under the waist of his swimming trunks touching him. An elastic band snaps in his mind as he struggles to get the older man off of him, “No!”_

Dean woke up drenched in a cold sweat and ran to the bathroom. He just barely managed to make it before he threw up. That nightmare always made him sick to his stomach without fail. He can’t shake the foul feeling crawling under his skin. Knowing from experience that no matter how hard or how long he scrubs himself in the shower the feeling doesn’t ever go away.

It’s been three years. Three years since that day. Three years since he sped across town on his bike after what Mr. Novak did to him. Three years since he stopped speaking to his best friend. Three years since he became the loner bad boy. Three years of reliving that day every night.  

Really it’s no wonder that he became a functional alcoholic by the time he turned sixteen. Most nights he would just lay in bed staring up at the ceiling wondering what life would be like if It had never happened. He’d probably still be friends with Cas. It’s not that he blamed his once best friend for what his dad did to him but how do you stay friends with someone after that? You can’t just say that the reason you don’t want to be anywhere near his house ever again is because his dad raped you. Yeah that was not a conversation he was going to have with Cas or anyone else for that matter.

“Dean,” Sam turns on his bedroom light. “You need to get up. We’re going to be late for the first day of school.”

Dean grumbles as he gets up and gets ready for school. One more year and then he is free. To do what exactly he doesn’t know. Probably just work at Bobby’s garage so he can take care of his dad and Sam.

They pull into the school parking lot in his black ’67 Impala just as the first bell rings. Sam fidgets with his hands nervously as they walk through the bustling halls. Dean’s bright green eyes crinkle as he smiles down at his little brother, “See you later Sammy.”

Sam frowns at Dean’s nickname for him and storms off to his first class, his nerves evaporated. Letting go of a heavy breath Dean takes a seat in the back of his first class. He kept on chanting to himself over and over that he only had one more year of this purgatory while he watched his classmates.

They had long ago written him off as a psycho so it was nothing out of the ordinary for him to blatantly stare at people. He quite often observed the rest of the Kripke High School population as an entirely separate species from himself. He imagined it was the same as every other school on the planet. The mindless masses are herded into their separate cliques that hardly ever intermingled. There were a few satellite nomads like him but they were few and far in between.

  1. At first after the whole Thing he kept an eye on Cas even though they weren’t still friends. He would watch Cas make new friends and move on without him. After a while he just ignored Cas’ entire existence in the world. Sometimes if he got exceedingly blitzed he was brave enough to admit to himself that he had been in love with the boy with the bluest eyes and the perpetually messy black hair. A long time ago Dean had acknowledged the fact that he was broken and nobody would ever want him. He knew he was going to be alone for the rest of his life and that didn’t bother him, he just accepted it as fact.   



Dean didn’t bother to look up from doodling on his notebook when someone sat down next to him. Admittedly it was a little surprising. Most of the students didn’t sit next to him unless there was assigned seating. Maybe it was the somewhat violent and generally pissed off aura that permeated in the air around him, not that it wasn’t totally without cause for them to be afraid of him. Dean had gotten into more than his fair share of fights over the last few years.

He finally looked up from his doodling when the teacher started talking. It was the same old busy work that every teacher does on the first day of class. Dean looked like a fish out of water with his mouth hanging open when he finally managed to notice who was sitting next to him. He would have recognized that black mop of hair anywhere. Cas was pointedly not looking at Dean.

Turning back to his notebook Dean’s mouth was as dry as sandpaper. How the hell was he supposed to ignore Cas if he sat next to him for an entire year? School sucks. If he wasn’t afraid of looking like a spineless coward he would have tried to transfer out of the class. Just grit your teeth and be a man, he thinks sullenly. Class dragged on making Dean acutely claustrophobic.

Dean bolted out of his chair when the bell finally rang. He quickly made his way out to the student parking lot and started up the Impala. Driving like a maniac out in the country he couldn’t quite bring himself to care that he was skipping school less than an hour into the first day of his senior year. It’s not like he was actually going to miss anything anyway.

Eventually he parked in a meadow and took out his emergency bottle of Jack that he had stashed in the false bottom of the Impala’s trunk. Why? Why him? He had spent the last three years successfully ignoring Cas and now he had class with him. One year left and God decided to fuck with him. Life sucked. The more he drank the more maudlin he got. Seriously how much does He expect one teenager to take before he reaches his breaking point? First his mom dying in the fire when he was little, his dad’s slow decent into alcoholism, Mr. Novak raping him, having to completely cut ties with his best friend and the boy he was in love with, and now just drop Cas back into his life.

Time slid by until Dean decided he needed to go back to pick up Sam. He was sitting on the hood of the Impala when he noticed Sam walking over. It seemed that the world really did hate him because Sam was walking next to Cas talking animatedly to the older boy. Sweet Jesus this could not be happening.

“You remember my brother, Dean,” Sam tells Cas.

Castiel nods, “Hey Dean.”

Dean hopped off the Impala to greet the two boys, “Hi.”

Sam looks furtively between the two seniors. Dean had refused to tell Sam anything about why he stopped talking to Cas. Really he should have seen this coming. Over the years his little brother incessantly hounded him to talk to his ex best friend and patch things up. So it really wasn’t all that surprising to see Sam dragging Cas over and forcing them to talk.

“Do you want a ride home Cas?” Sam asks hopefully.

Suddenly Dean’s breath leaves him in a whoosh while he stares dumbfounded at his pipsqueak of a brother.

Cas shakes his head, “That’s fine. I’m taking the bus.”

Sam frowns giving the older boy his infamous puppy dog face, “There is no way you actually want to ride the bus home. Let us give you a ride, it’s no problem.”

Cas lets out a sigh, “Fine, that would be great.”

Seriously!!! What the hell is happening? Did someone poison the water or are they being possessed? Maybe he died in his sleep and now he’s in Hell. No, Dean decides after a second, if that were true he would be reliving that Incident over and over again instead of just having nightmares about it.

Dean is quiet the entire time the drives them to Cas’ house. The other two seem content to leave him stewing in his thoughts while they talk about sci-fi movies. Quietly Dean starts to hum his favorite Metallica songs under his breath to calm himself down. Honestly he was starting to sound like a drama queen, even to himself.

He stares darkly up at the big white house as Cas steps out of the car. The dark haired boy waves animatedly to Sam and gives Dean a nod of thanks. Dean’s heart is pounding in his ears loudly. It’s been three years since he was last here. A cold sweat breaks out on his forehead and he is filled with nausea. He barely manages to keep down the whiskey from earlier.

After shifting the Impala into park when they get home Dean turns to Sam, “Don’t do that again.”

Sam’s eyebrows wrinkle in confusion, “Do what?”

Dean grinds his teeth angrily, “Don’t offer to give people rides before asking me.”

“People or just Cas?” the small boy throws back.

“What is your problem?” if he was a cartoon Dean was pretty sure that steam would be coming out of his ears.

“Why don’t you like Cas anymore? You guys were best friends and you were practically attached at the hip,” Sam seems to be getting equally frustrated with Dean.

“It is none of your business,” Dean growls.

“Well until you give me a good reason I’m going to do whatever I damn well please,” Sam slam’s the passenger side door.

Dean scrubs his face angrily. Despite or maybe because of his little brother’s tiny stature Sam was the most stubborn pig headed person he’s ever met. He racked his brain desperately trying to figure out what to do. It’s not like he could just forbid Sam from being friends with Cas. They got along so well and had a lot of fun together but he would die before he let his little brother go over to that house. The thought of the Novak patriarch catching Sam alone made Dean sick.

Taking deep breaths Dean swallowed the rising bile. He would come up with something to tell Sam. Not the truth. He didn’t think he could ever face telling Sam the truth. Dean may trust his little brother more than anyone but he was too much of a coward. If Sam knew the truth then he would see how broken Dean really was. Sam would look at him with pity and disgust in his eyes. No he couldn’t tell the truth but he would come up with something.

Dean spent the rest of the day hiding out in his room. He loved his room. It was the one place he could get away from the world with its classic rock posters and cds, Kurt Vonnegut books, and his enormous bed. Sam liked to refer to it as his lair. Dean figured it would be a nice option in case he ever decided he wanted a career as a super villain.

As a typical teen he spent the majority of his time angsting over the day’s new developments. He was absolutely clueless as to what to do about Cas. If he was being completely honest with himself Dean knew that he still missed his ex-best friend. There were so many times during the past three years that he wanted to just say fuck it and be friends with Cas again but he didn’t know how to get over the expanse of the canyon that day put between them. In truth he hated his inevitable future of living and dying alone. Dean can’t help but wonder if all teenagers are this morose or if it’s just him. Either way he needs to snap out of all these morbid musings. Whatever happens will happen and he’ll just have to deal with it.

The next couple weeks of school passed the same as the first day minus the skipping. As it turns out Dean has three more classes with Cas. They never said much other than hi and sometimes not even that. Dean is not exactly sure how he feels about that. At times it was the only reason he bothered to go to school in the first place. Other days he hated it. Hated seeing Cas happily talking with his friends and just living life in general. Dean knew that the reason he hated it was because he was jealous. Jealous that Cas could make new friends and replace him so easily, more than that his hatred for Mr. Novak grew. As a general rule he tried not to think about the man but sometimes the anger in him just bottled up until he exploded.

It was times like those that he was extremely happy that they had an xbox 360 so he could kill zombies and other monsters. He and Sam would play as a team and kill everything in sight. Most weekends they could be found sitting in front of the TV.

So Dean was more than a little surprised when their door bell rang early Saturday evening. As a general rule the Winchesters didn’t get visitors. Mostly because his dad was either drunk or passed out the majority of the time and therefore too indisposed to accept friends. Not to say that he had any besides Bobby. Dean ruffled Sam’s shaggy brown hair on his way to answer the door.

In all honesty he shouldn’t have been surprised by who it was that rang the bell when he opened the door with the way things had been going the past few weeks. But ever the oblivious enigma Dean was shocked to see Cas standing on his door step.

Dean’s heart beat faster in his chest, “Cas?”

“Hey Dean,” his blue eyes didn’t quite meet his gaze.

“I’m in the living room Cas,” Sam hollers from inside.

Dean steps aside as Cas walks past him. He follows the skinnier boy into the living room and plops down in his spot in front of the TV. Shortly after the door bell rings again. Sam runs off to answer the door leaving Dean and Cas alone. Distractedly he kills the monsters in the game. He realizes that this is the first time they have been alone together since that day.

Letting out a sigh Dean gets up and stretches, “Did you want something to drink?”

Cas runs a hand through his messy hair nervously, “Sure.”

Dean rummages through the fridge in the kitchen, “You still like coke?”

A weird expression crosses the blue eyed boy’s face as Dean looks up from the fridge, “Yeah, coke’s good.”

Sam and Gabe join them in the kitchen. Gabe’s golden eyes glitter with mischief and his perpetual smirk is plastered on his face, “Hey Deano.”

Dean rolls his eyes at Kripke High’s resident prankster, “Hey Gabe.”

You would have to be blind not to notice the crush that the kid had on his brother. Last year Gabe had posted Ruby’s photo and phone number on a call girl website for bullying Sam. In fact it seemed that the only person who didn’t know about the trickster’s crush was the object of his affections. Dean thought that his brother could be almost embarrassing oblivious at times given his IQ.

Eventually he left the three friends to watch movies in favor of the safety of his room. As a general rule he liked to give his brother privacy when he had friends over. But if he was being completely honest with himself he knew that the biggest contributing factor to his escape was Cas. Over the past few weeks Dean found himself staring at the senior more and more.

With his easy smile and deep voice that sent shivers running down his spine. Cas was the sun and Dean was a satellite caught in his orbit subconsciously being drawn closer with each breath. Dean didn’t think he could break the hold Cas had over him even if he wanted to. While he wouldn’t allow himself to do anything about the feelings simmering within Dean could acquiesce with fawning from a distance.

Hours elapsed as Dean blogged on tumblr and drank his way through half a bottle of tequila. The alarm clock on his nightstand told him it was a little after one in the morning when Cas knocked on his door. Seconds ticked by as they stared at each other silently.

Cas cleared his throat, “Gabe and Sam started making out on the couch.”

Dean let out the breath he was holding, “About damn time, come on in.”

 The shorter boy lay down on the bed next to him, “What are you doing?”

“Tumblr,” Dean motioned to his computer screen.

Cas’ smile faltered when he noticed the half empty bottle of tequila sitting on his nightstand. The teenager clears his throat, “So how have you been?”

Dean shrugs, “Fine. You?”

“Good I guess,” Dean feels himself relax into the bed at the sound of Cas’ low rumbling voice.

Now that the blue eyed boy is lying on his bed Dean is reluctant to have Cas leaves and struggles to find something to keep him there, “Want to watch a movie?”

Cas’ blue eyes latch onto his pale freckled face, “Sure.”

Rummaging around his shelves Dean finally manages to find the movie he was looking for. He settles back down on the bed next to Cas, “Matrix okay?”

A slow smile crawls across the other boys face, he is surprised that Dean remembered his favorite movie, “Hell yeah.”

Dean spent most of the two hour action movie paying more attention to the teenager laying a couple inches away from him than what was flickering across the computer screen. He was acutely aware of the distance between them. His mind ran on an endless loop of him slowly scooting closer to Cas and then just straddling his wiry frame and kissing Cas until he couldn’t breathe anymore.

Heat pools in his stomach and desperately hopes that Cas is pay enough attention to the movie to not notice his raging boner. He fidgets restlessly with tension until he can’t stand it anymore. Dean swipes the bottle of tequila off of his nightstand and takes a long pull. Deep pools of blue are staring at him as he turns back around.

“You want some?” he offers.

Silently Cas shakes his mop of messy black hair. With his thin fingers Cas takes the bottle from Dean and sets it on the floor. Slowly the other boy inches forward until their lips are a hairsbreadth apart. Cas’ breath is hot on his face as he stares Dean in the eye silently asking permission. His breath becomes shallow and his heartbeat picks up as the tension of hunger and need between them grows until Dean tangles his fingers into Cas’ messy hair and kisses him.

Their kissing quickly becomes hungry as he sucks on Cas’ bottom lip eliciting a moan from the blue eyed teenager. In the back of his mind he can’t believe this is happening. Finally happening. Dean has fantasized about this for years and he was finally kissing the boy he was in love with. The thought that he could just be dreaming flits through his mind for half a second until it’s swamped in the foggy hazy of pleasure. Try as he might he can’t for the life of him remember why they hadn’t done this sooner. At some point during his blissed out haze Cas had slipped into his lap and started straddling him.

Cas let out a low rumbling moan as he started rubbing their twin boners together. Dean suddenly felt stifled at the amount of clothes he had on. Slowly his slid his hand up under Cas’ shirt and ran his hands over the other boys wiry torso. Cas trailed feather light kisses down his neck and nipped at his shoulder. Dean rested his head in the hollow of Cas’ neck trying to inhale as much air as possible. Capturing his mouth again, Cas takes control as his tongue explored the inside of Dean’s mouth. Dean’s mind snapped out of its haze as Cas started to unbutton his jeans.

He took a sharp intake of breath and grabbed the blue eyed boy’s hands, “Cas.”

Cas pulled back his blue eyes full of pain at his rejection, “What’s wrong? I thought- I thought this was what you wanted.”

Dean leaned his forehead against Cas’ as he stared at him in the eye, “I do. I want you so bad Cas, you have no idea.”

Cas frowned, “Then what’s wrong?”

He felt bad at the clear pain in the blue eyed boy’s voice, “Nothing’s wrong. I just want to take this slow. Okay?”

Cas nods and slides closer to him nuzzling his head against his shoulder, “I missed you.”

Soothingly Dean runs his hands through Cas’ messy hair, “I missed you too.”


End file.
